Wednesday, April 26, 2006

To Live in the Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

The other night I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I cried like a baby through the whole thing. People that know me in real life and that have watched any movie with me can honestly say that I cry at every last one of them; comedy, drama, action, it really doesn't matter( interestingly enough, I'm not a crier in real life). I hate when I go to the movies with Ooohwee 'cause she always tell me my face looks like it's melting, lol. I cried at The Nutty Professor(the part when Prof. Klump is on his first date with Ms. Purdy and Dave Chappelle is roasting the hell outta him. I mean damn, he was on a date.). I think it has something to do with the background music(or the drugs).

After the movie went off I laid in bed and thought about the possibility of being able to erase Him. Would I? A couple of months ago I would have said 'Fuck yeah' but now I'm not so sure. I've dated with some nuts in my life but I really can't say that I would erase any of them from my memory. Not because I'm a emotional packrat(which I am) but because I would want to make sure I never got back with any of these dudes ever again in this life or the next( especially Ricky, my college boyfriend. I hope his ass is still burning from those grits).

There are plenty of moments and words I would erase between Him and I. All the spiteful things we said and did to one another would have to go. All the little white lies and half-truths too. I would pay to take back all the things that we did to one another out of anger. I wish there were somethings that I wouldn't have said to Him. Even though He told me He didn't believe me, I would have never said I hated Him. There are some lines that can never be recrossed. I hated a lot of the shit He did but never Him.

Then I thought 'what if I did have Him erased'. I would have never learned how to properly roll a Dutch(I still can't get the leaf off all together but my technique is much, much better). I would have gotten hit by a car crossing Broad Street a long time ago and I would have left school a lot sooner because He wrote damn near every mid-term paper I had( and some regular ones too). To His credit, He helped me grow a lot. Not just as a woman but as a person. He put me on to a lot and for that I'll always be thankful. I would have missed out on a lot of shit, like a fucking amazing ass friendship(and some other amazing ass shit that I won't put here 'cause somethings are sacred. even now).

The scene escapes me at the moment but the words are still in my brain, "Please, let me keep just this one." There was one memory that Joel didn't want to erase. One he couldn't let go of. Just one. It was one of his earliest memories of him and Clementine. When everthing was good and their love still felt like a new car. The one I would beg to keep would be the time I got the worst flu ever(I think somebody was trying to kill me).My sophmore year at Temple. Down in "the bottom", 22nd and Tioga( if andybody know about Philly they know exactly what I'm talking about). He skipped work and sat with me like one of those in-home care nurses. Force fed me and made sure I was properly medicated and hydrated. He even smoked behind me. At some point I fell into a cold medicine induced sleep. You know the kind where you go to sleep at 11:30 in the morning and wake up at 5:00 in the evening and for 3 seconds you don't where you are? One of those. When I woke up He was still sitting in the chair at the bottom of my bed. Reading something by Octavia Butler. I remember saying something to the effect of 'you're still here?' and He said "where else would I be?" Just that one.